Please indulge my following rant.
There seems to be a pervasive lie within the subculture that a Christian woman, no matter where she is in her life, must strive continually to be better and better and better and better. If she has children, she needs to be a better mother. If she does not have children, she should. If she is married, she must be a better, more submissive wife. If she is not, she must find a Godly husband. If she is working inside of her home, she must keep a certain kind of home. If she is working outside of the home, why? She needs to pray more, memorize more Scripture, read more books, spend more time with her husband, watch less TV, stop eating after 6:00 pm, and bake moister brownies. She must grow grow grow because she is not enough. Who she is is not good enough. She is less than she should be, and therefore, she is unworthy of the love, affirmation, affection, and validation that she so desperately longs for in the dark of her soul.
I call these things lies because I believe that they are. I believe that there is one who would like nothing more than to keep our eyes focused on who we are not, rather than who we really are. The fact is that all of us are LOVED, right where we are at, in this moment, whatever the task or circumstance or situation. All anyone wants is to love and to be loved in return. What a great weapon against us, this belief that we are not good enough to love or be loved at all.
There is a HUGE difference between humility and humiliation.
And I also refuse to believe that the answer to a heart's cry for love is a book. I'm not talking about the Bible, but rather, Christian books. I love books, and I read all the time. When I read, I love engaging ideas, connecting through the page to the author, and entering into a larger conversation. But I'm sorry, the answer to my heart's cry is never, "I have a book that I want you to read." A cognitive application of the issue never solves the deeper problem, and a response so devoid of human contact never touches the real issue. How about, maybe, we are all human and the journey is hard, and hey, you are wonderful and you're doing a great job.
I see so many women being so hard on themselves. Heaven knows I have been hard on myself! I am just angry tonight that we believe this lie that we are unworthy to be loved by the One who created us SIMPLY TO LOVE US. The truth is, if you are alive and reading this, you have a great purpose. God loves you, right where you are at, and He offers this love to you already fully aware of how you don't deserve it and HE DOESN'T CARE.
Grace.
I am angry with a post-industrialized western culture that rejects faith and mystery. I am angry with the modern Protestant paradigm that keeps women convinced that, if they are not doing [fill in the blank] enough, then they are not eligible to receive and experience God's personal love. I am especially angry with the evil one for being so damned successful with this one.
I am nowhere near done with this, and I refuse to put any caveats on it. My readership here is small but diverse, so leave a comment. I am mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore.
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9 comments:
[Hey, I've got this book you want to read... :)]
Ok, so I was crafting my reply in my head while listing to Nightwish and these words seemed to make sense to me:
Save me!
Be still, my son
You're home
Oh when did you become so cold?
The blade will keep on descending
All you need is to feel my love
Search for beauty, find your shore
Try to save them all, bleed no more
You have such ocean's within
In the end
I will always love you
The beginning
So anyway, great post! It echos my thoughts, I always hate when someone tells me I should be xyz instead of abc. I AM abc, you are xyz, let me be me, please just help me be a better me.
As a man, I am told I need to be a stronger leader, a better servant, less emotional and more emotional, understanding and firm, etc. You get the picture.
Me, Im a guy that loves his family but doesn't always show it well, a guy that like to shop (only if I have money to spend)(yes, even for shoes and clothes), I cry over movies, books and music, I really could care less who is in the NBA play-offs or the World Series.
I'll never be the "perfect man" in the eyes of the church because I'm me, exactly the way God made me, Exactly how Jesus loves me.
To push back a little, I'm angry at the evil one too, but I think I'm more angry at me and you and the church as a whole for allowing him to "win". We let him convince us that we need religion rather than Jesus. That we always need to be better for people (and Jesus?) to love us. He sucks but we suck more for listening to a loser.
oh yea, and I think you are perfect. You are there for your kids and you show them love, who cares when you fall short of the "Proverbs 31 woman" idol we created. You love your kids and do what you need to do for them and to me, because of the grace of God, that's prefect.
So, tell them to shut up, you got a man that cries over movies,books, and music on your side.
My mom always says: "if we do what we can with what we have where we are, it will be enough." I disagree, because it isn't always enough, but at least I did what I could with what I had where I was, begged forgiveness for the rest, and I can't believe that's not enough for my loving Father to say "well done!"
You've always got enough left to take another step. If you get to the point where you don't, you're not going to know it anyway, so if you can ask if you're able, you can take the step.
Be well, and know that you are loved,
Scott
Some ruminations:
Mary garnered Jesus' praise...not Martha. That's always been difficult for me because I'm such a Martha. But frantic Martha-ing wasn't what Jesus valued.
The Lord knows that we're dust. He understands better than we do how the frailties of our bodies (fatigue, disease, off-kilter neurotransmitters) color our emotions and experiences. We can only experience Him through the filter of our frailness. The modern Christian approach you've described constitutes a rejection of frailness...do more and more, work harder and faster and longer. Maybe the first step for us is to accept our frailness and make peace with the fact that we get tired and surly and disgusted. We're earth-bound creatures, for now, limited by our biology. I don't think God faults us for that.
You keep longing for your Lord, my dearest friend.
"there is a huge difference between humility and humiliation."
truer words have never been spoken. thanks for writing something i understand, friend. ;)
Great discussion, everyone! I am still on this tear, as no one seems to have the nerve to get close enough to rip this soapbox out from under me, so keep an eye out ...
I tried to find a great quote to respond to this, but am having troubles, so I'll just try my best.
Even though I'm not a Protestant woman within the subculture, hopefully I'll be able to say something that makes sense.
There's always a tension between who we are and who we should be. Of course God loves us no matter who and where we are, and anything that tries to deny that is certainly a lie, especially in some of the senses you bring up. However, we are also all called to be saints and to become more like Christ every day, so we do need to strive continually to be better. What I see in your frustration is twofold: (1) that there is a focus on putting this pressure on women and (2) some of the things women are expected to do do not directly relate to becoming more like Christ. I agree with these problems you point out.
Your problem with books is spot-on as well. The answer to a heart's cry for love is, well, love, and love is an action done for someone else.
I could probably ramble on, but I'll stop here and see where you're at next. I did find a good quote that gets at the tension I talked about before. From your new favorite Orthodox, St. Nikolaj Velimirovic:
"Be humble, for the worst thing in the world is of the same stuff as you; be confident, for the stars are of the same stuff as you."
i have a book you can read to help you bake the moistest brownies...
for real though -
you know we support you, and
you have our ove no matter what.
the revolution is coming.
and this is how it starts.
Okay, from now on, when I start a dialogue, I'll actually participate in it. Here are my (somewhat abbreviated) responses to each of you!
Byrd, you're the best. I appreciate you and your Lady Byrd so much! Thanks for your friendship and for pursuing Christ in your life and your family. That makes you more of a man than many I've known.
Scott, you are so right. A wise woman once said to me, "I do the best I can, and I let God take care of the rest." There is a profound and simple wisdom there that we all need to take to heart.
Shauna, you've actually earned your own blog post with your comment, but here I will say that I was gripped by your summation of our modern "rejection of frailness." Both women and men are open targets for this, each for specific reasons, and it is crucial for us as Christ followers to both acknowledge our frailty and give ourselves permission to reach out to God from within it.
Leida, you're welcome!
Colonel, I agree with everything you say. I purposely did not put any caveat on my rant, partly because I needed to make one clear point, and partly in hopes of drawing out a greater discussion about how Christ does His work in our hearts here on earth. I'm counting on you to keep that going.
Vegas, we ove you guys too. We really really ove you.
"The revolution is coming ..."
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