She's the kind of girl you'd adore, that you could make your famous cheese sandwich for

While 12 million of you are standing in line at Barnes and Noble tonight, I am home enjoying a quiet evening with a counter of dirty dishes and lots o' laundry. Now that the whole Harry Potter thing is drawing to a close, I still don't feel like I missed anything. I guess I just wasn't interested. My brother Bleys couldn't even get me to read them, and he can get me to do pretty much whatever he asks me to do. Like eating those damned Harry Potter jelly beans. Oh, but I won't drink PBR. Not for anything, no way, no how.

Anyway, before I get efficient, I thought I would wax a bit on the recent Emmy nominations.

Don't worry, you haven't accidentally tripped upon Tom O'Neil's blog. I am not going to rage against TPTB for ignoring Friday Night Lights or The Wire (neither of which I watch, so maybe I am the ideal voter for these awards). ["which I watch"? what?!] No, I am going to say how GEEKED OUT I am about the nominations for The Office!

I. Love. That. Show.

Nominations for Most Outstanding Comedy and Lead Actor (my Steve) were no surprise, but big congrats to Rainn Wilson, who we have loved and been creeped out by since Six Feet Under, and kudos to Greg Daniels and Michael Schur for their writing nods and Ken Kwapis for his directing nod. (I think there are others. I'm not a complete geek about this.)

My most happiest congrats, however, go to Jenna Fischer, whom I love love love and desperately wish was my friend in real life. There, I said it. I devour all things Jenna in the media, I frequent her page on the Space, even though I have no page of my own, and if I ever came upon a magic lamp with a genie, my wishes would be that the genie would start talking to me like Robin Williams, that like Little Cindy LooHoo I could ask George Dubya: "But why, Mr. President, why?", and that I could have a whole afternoon of shopping with Jenna Fischer. (Which is not a waste of a wish, though some Live Earth performers might argue that it is.)

I don't like to freak out about celebrities. It's embarrassing. But if I met her, I would probably embarrass myself. I think she is fabulous. I seriously want to be friends with her.

Anyway, this has to be a dream come true for her, and I am all for dreams that come true, especially when you work hard for your dream. I will so be on the edge of my seat for her on September 16.

Here's a link to the best of the bazillion Jim and Pam virals on YouTube. You won't get but a taste of her talent and total commitment to her character, but you will get a taste of how infectious she is and how well she works with all that chemistry between her and John Krasinski. But be careful because the song is so catchy that it'll stick in your head for the rest of the day. And if those last 5 seconds don't melt your heart, then you have a heart of stone like Bobblehead Joe. (I love that: Bobblehead Joe.)

I wanna be a cowboy, baby

So today Anna and I are at the grocery store.

At the checkout, I am paying and attending to the bagging, when my almost 4 year old exclaims, "Mom! Look! There's a cowboy!"

We live in the tri-state area. It's uncommon but not unusual to see a man with boots and a Stetson. I mumble how nice dear and she continues her praising observation. Loudly.

"It's a cowboy, Mom! With cowboy boys! I want to be a cowboy!"

Out of instinct, I look up to see the object of my daughter's excitement when the Amish man and his two Amish sons, straw work hats and suspenders all, walk across our path. The man and I caught each other's eye for the split second when I realized that I wanted to die.

"Anna! Honey!" I shush her as I get down to her level. "We are in public. Please use your inside voice."

"Okay, Mommy," she whispers, "but I want to be a cowboy too."

Field of Dreams

I was just shopping for my wedding dress.

Not my wedding dress. My dress for my sister's wedding. The one I love is sooooo beautiful. If I actually bring myself to shell out that much money for a dress I will surely only wear once, I will post it here.

I want to get it so that I can be beautiful in it.

I just remembered recently that my mom once told me that she thinks that I see myself in a white flowy dress, spinning in a field of daisies on a bright spring day. This dress brings out that part of me.

I do kind of picture myself there, only because I want to be that carefree and that beautiful, and not because I think that I am.

I love beautiful.

My sister is beautiful. My daughter is beautiful. The campus at Judson College is beautiful. Water is beautiful. Colorado is beautiful. My first car was beautiful. (My Hyundai? The Hindu?! Oh, so beautiful. Come on people.) Ireland is beautiful. Horses are beautiful. Jenna Fischer is beautiful.

My Swarovski ballerina. Sarah MacLachlan (music and woman). Fire. Angels. My son. The sound of laughter. The Psalms. My friends. ee cummings. The Prophet. Ellen is beautiful. The Jesus Prayer. Lambchop. Audrey Hepburn. Cary Grant. Cory Booker is beautiful.

Hilary Clinton is ... not beautiful.

The sun, the moon. Diamonds, emeralds, pearls. Traveling Mercies. Over The Rhine. C.S. Lewis. Dolphins. Anna's imagination. Noah's smile. My little family. My little family is so beautiful.

This is the kind of field I like to spin around in. Around and around, from one field to the next. That's why I write.

Take a moment to spin around in your beautiful.

Last night I dreamed about John Krasinski

Ode to Kelley German (Revisited)

The left shift key on my laptop's keyboard is broken.

I've looked it over several times, and I can see how it should just slip in and snap back on. I've worked with it quite awhile now, but it doesn't seem to want to go back in. I can't figure out why, exactly; I see how it goes in there, but still, it sits haphazardly on top of its assigned place. My pinky is always surprised to find the key sliding around; it shouldn't be out of place.

Josh is singing quietly, strongly, as I reach for this keyboard. I knew I wanted to try to write something today (Saturday, 7-07-07). What do I blog about on 7-07-07, the day that even the most C&E blogger will weigh in on this mathematically alliterative date. Maybe a small missive on how lucky/blessed I am? A memoir of my one night in Vegas? It was all kind of pointless. I'm such a hack that I couldn't stand myself, and the day got away.

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

It struck me, suddenly, as I went about my routine of chasing a naked three year old and rocking a teething eight month old, that the number 7 is the number of completion. It is a holy number, signifying fullness, doneness. Completion. And suddenly I felt so very incomplete.

Last night I got an email from an old friend that has been haunting me. It was a short email of generous sentiment that, I'm realizing, really means alot to me. This is a friend I had lost but found a couple of years ago on the internet. I couldn't explain to you why exactly, but he is important to me and I want to keep him.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

And he isn't the only one. I reconnected with another dear friend at the same time who I now count among my inner circle. She is a singular joy to me and I understand her in a special way. I missed her when I didn't have her. Another member of the circle almost got away five years ago. I couldn't bear to lose her, so I threw a rope out and gratefully, she took it. Recently I have struggled to keep another one who is so dear to me, and it has taken letters, tears, redefinition, and time. And somehow, it still feels like I need to reclaim something in her soul that I long to connect with. We are okay with each other, and yet, I feel like I miss her so much.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world

Then there is Kelley.

Kelley, my dear Kelley. I have thought of you, searched for you, and prayed for you for nearly eight years now. Kelley German, my dear friend. A fun and true mate for my soul. I don't know what I did, but I have been desperate to apologize to you for so long. You disappeared at the most important time for both of us, and I just want to know that you are okay. I pray that you are well, that your life is peaceful and content, and you know I'm here, if you ever Google your name.

Because I can't stand to lose anyone that I love. Death is not a loss when one is in Christ, but absence is a loss for me that I can't understand or accept. I don't know why we can't keep the ones we love. No existential explanation of ebb and flow is good enough. The most essential reason for existing is to love and be loved, to not only be connected to our Creator but also to all He created. All of my life I have struggled to stay connected and somehow, it always feels like my shift key is out of place. Something is never quite right and I get interrupted and it is not okay because I know how to fix it or at least I think I know how to fix it so I try but it just doesn't heal. Pieces are broken. My heart is always surprised; it shouldn't be out of place.

Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes
It's in front of your eyes

The story of Jonathan's love for his friend David in the Old Testament resonates with me. Jonathan loved his friend and gave his love freely. He committed his whole life and abdicated his right to the throne for a man that he felt an enduring connection with. This friendship was tested in every way a relationship can be: tested by power, by family, by conflict, by lies, by distance, and finally, by absence. But Jonathan loved David as he loved himself and so he kept the covenant that he made to him until his death.

I understand that kind of love. It is the kind of love I have for my husband, for my children, for my parents and for my family and dear friends. Some of this love has been very tested, but I stand firm in my commitment. Tonight I am moved by the love I have for old friends, and how that love and the power of connection truly fills my life. So Kelley, please, don't stay away forever. I want you in my life, and I will find you. Consider this fair warning and know that you are not the only one to whom I plan to show up one day.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

New and Improved

Legitimacy, thy name is Blogger.com.

Friendster is so last week, folks. I had to get out of there! Plus now I don't have to worry about the ridiculous emails going out every time I post. I really didn't like that. Now I can introspectively gaze at my own navel in the cool and quiet confines of a larger and less secure website. This way I can continue my self-delusion that my ego trip is worth riding.

That being said, thanks to all nine of you for riding it with me. God love ya.