I've got good news and bad news

The bad news: this writer's strike is not going to be over soon, and it may not end very well.

The good news: Guinness really is good for you! Excellent.

Iconoclasm as Art: Debunking the Myth, or Why Liberal Hypocrisy Makes Me Want To Find The Nearest Sharpened Number 2 Pencil So I Can Poke My Eye Out

I love it when we are told what to think by those who would tell us not to tell them what to think.

This weekend the movie The Golden Compass opens. All seven of you who read this know that The Golden Compass is setting itself up to be the blockbuster of the holiday season and a trilogy the scope of The Lord of the Rings. The fundamental difference in the stories are the themes: LOTR being full of Christian themes and imagery, as well as being allegorical to spiritual warfare; and The Golden Compass, the story of children on a quest to kill God. It has gotten the attention of many religious groups, notably The Catholic League, who didn't even pay much attention to last year's film version of The DaVinci Code, but are calling for boycotts of this one.

None of this interested me, until recently. I mean, please, how many times are we gonna see some new piece of art or media decrying God, Jesus Christ, or Christianity? We are a frequent target for reasons that are obvious and frankly, I've been a little busy with other things lately. But two days ago I read an impassioned plea to the masses to go see this movie - which is "art ... meant to illicit thought and emotion" - in order to "support free speech and the arts, and most importantly your right to think" or, of no less importance, simply to "piss of the Catholic League" and all the other Christian "zealots" who are just like - THAT'S RIGHT KIDS - all the Muslim groups we "hate so much."

Now the author of this piece is a dear friend, and I do not begrudge him his right to his beliefs or his right to say them. I choose, therefore, to take issue with the paradigm at large. This is the grain of salt, served on a silver platter.

That said ... WHAT A CROCK!!!

I am so sick and tired of ignorance being tauted as intelligence simply because it is ANTI-CHRISTIAN. It is outrageous, first of all, to uphold something as "art" that one has never observed or interacted with, simply because it is evocative. Is it because it is a motion picture, which is a medium for artistic expression? Freddy Got Fingered is an evocative motion picture; is that art? Should we rent it tonight in order to illicit thought and emotion? I know, we need to support the arts. Well, guess what, what we need to do is support CREATIVITY. We need to support the RIGHT to freely create and communicate. But it is immoral to support everything that is created, if the creation stands in violation or opposition of what is good and right and true.

It is also mind-numbingly frustrating that the left is allowed to display such glaring hypocrisy. For example, as stated above, everyone needs to go see this movie! Go see it! It doesn't matter what it is about, who is in it, or if it has been well reviewed. It's pissing off the Catholics! They are just as bad as the terrorists! Go Go Go!

Hmmm ... sounds very emotional and irrational to go do something that you are completely ignorant about in order to feel good that you are furthering an agenda.

Reason and faith are not mutually exclusive. I suppose we all check our reason at the door in order to believe in things - not just spiritually, but through out life, just to get through certain seasons or situations. I think you'd have to check your reason at the door to believe that someone who lies about everything would never lie about one certain thing. I think you'd have to forget all logic in order to buy the line that someone is crazy simply because they write about sad things in a diary or journal. It takes faith to believe what feels safe and good; it takes reason and faith together to believe what is true. And the truth always comes out, and truth always prevails.

Like with our new favorite movie, The Golden Compass. I looks as if it might not do so well after all.

http://www.deadlinehollywooddaily.com/bob-shayes-big-gamble-wont-pay-off-golden-compass-looks-leaden-this-wkd/

Kahlil Gibran On Reason and Passion

And he answered saying:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, 'God rests in reason.'

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, 'God moves in passion.'

And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

Okay, I said I don't do links, but I've managed to gather a couple.

First, watch this: YouTube - Why We Fight

Then, watch this: YouTube - Voices of Uncertainty

Now, take a few minutes to read this, an insider's account which surely made even Jimmy Hoffa roll over, wherever he is: Kung Fu Monkey: The Albatross

And now you are ready to enjoy my new favorite blog ever in the history of blogs ever in the wide world: LateShowWritersOnStrike.Com

This is all you really need to know.

I love the comments, by the way! I especially love deleted comments. So keep 'em comin.

new thoughts on the strike

Random thoughts here, people. Stick with me, if you dare:

So, this strike is fascinating. It seems pretty obvious that the writers walk the high ground on this, but Michael Eisner says that it is a "stupid" strike. This from the man who nearly destroyed Disney. Didn't Forrest Gump have something to say about stupid? Hmmm...

So my beloved show The Office officially shut down today. Good for them. Bad for me. They only have two more shows in the can, so I only have two more fixes for the foreseeable future. Since nature abhors a vacuum, I feel I need a new favorite distraction. That distraction is quickly becoming ... this writer's strike.

Seriously, it has all the drama, comedy, and heart tugging pathos of a great show, like Brothers and Sisters (my other favorite). I think a real case could be made for all of us consumers that this strike is the alternative to our favorite entertainment. That is, unless your favorite entertainment is American Idol. If so, you will very soon be a pig in mud.

Last year was really bad, and I really don't like Jordin Sparks. My two cents.

Check out www.unitedhollywood.com. When you get there, watch the video from The Office's picket line. Promos. Hilarious.

A loyal reader says I am on "a tear." I am! I get so into things. Like Marvin the Martian, Thai food, or the 2000 Presidential election. The Office. I had a brief affair with celeb gossip magazines once (I am convinced that their stories are all true) but that ran its course. I am currently considering a new obsession with men's messenger bags.

Writers took DVD residuals off the table, so now they are simply fighting for residuals on new media (i.e. iTunes, Amazon, internet streams). They know that this is the future of the industry. The studio moguls say that they don't know how much money is there so how can they agree how much to pay out? This reminds me of - now this is just off the top of my head, folks - this sounds alot like a guy who doesn't pay child support because he only has alternative forms of income. No job, just unemployment and maybe the sympathetic loans of gullible friends. But he can't give any to his children because he doesn't know how much he will have, and he needs to eat, you know. That's just an example of what that sounds like to me.

I could really go for some chocolate ice cream right now.

Some are saying that the average writer stands to lose more in this strike than they will ever make in any residuals from future work, no matter what negotiations gain them. But whoever said that is: A) most likely not an artist, because artists are very protective of what they create and they should be; and B) most likely not getting ripped off on a regular basis. Like the writers of shows that are streamed online, with advertising, but they don't get a dime for the streaming or any viewings. Sounds like they were working for free anyway. Might as well pick up a sign and get some exercise.

I read that a guy got run over! Yikes. It's hard out there for a writer. I guess.

Sorry, I just don't post links. I'm too lazy. All four of you know your way around Google better than I do, anyway.

Another loyal reader threatens to scab and send in a script. To this I say: Write it, but don't send it! The strike will last so much longer! But in the meantime, let me be your beta.

Can't wait for more strike coverage tomorrow.

It's Time To Put It All On The Line

So, I have a new thang: following this WGA strike. I'm too lazy to post links to relevant sites, like other legitimate bloggers. You'll have to get your Google on to find out more about it. It sounds like the writers are tired of only making 4 cents from every DVD sold with their byline on it, and even more tired of getting absolutely no royalties at all from their shows running on the internet, iTunes, or other alternative media. They say that, if they don't stand up for their fair share now, they will never be fairly compensated for the creative work that they do.

Now, I'm a Republican, and I appreciate the business that the studios are in - large investments, large risks - and I love me my entertainment escapes, but this sounds a little too much like a girl working really hard every night and her pimp is taking all of her money when she is doing all of the work. Just sayin'.

I'm all for this strike. I'm a firm believer that you have to stand for what's right and true, no matter how hard the wind is blowing in your face. No matter what nasty punches the other side pulls. Sometimes you have to draw the line and stand on your side of it and say, "I do this for those who would come after me." Lock arms with those next to you, carry large signs with the truth for all to see, and commit that it will not be over until there is a just resolution.

And that's why I support the WGA strike.

For you

Yesterday was your birthday. I just want you to know that I remembered you all day.

You came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away

As if I haven't had enough pain and disappointment recently, my Barry goes and does this:

'Copacabana' Singer Calls Conservative Co-Host 'Dangerous'
By Dean Goodman, Reuters

"Pop singer Barry Manilow, a major Democratic fundraiser, said on Monday he has scrapped plans to appear on the television talk show "The View," because he did not want to be interviewed by its conservative co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Manilow was scheduled to appear on the ABC morning show Tuesday, the same day his new album, "The Greatest Songs of the Seventies" hits stores. But those plans fell through because of his issues with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, an abortion opponent and supporter of the Iraq war.

"I had made a request that I be interviewed by (co-hosts) Joy (Behar), Barbara (Walters) or Whoopi (Goldberg), but not Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Unfortunately, the show was not willing to accommodate this simple request so I bowed out," he said in a statement on his Web site.

Is this what celebrities think they can do now? "I'd be happy to go on Hannity and Colms, but don't let the jerk on the right interview me. His views are dangerous and offensive.I'll answer questions from the guy on the left." Or "Sure, I'll go on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but don't let that big Irish guy interview me. He is offensive. Have the drummer interview, or better yet, bring that chubby guy back. He was funny, and he doesn't offend my delicate sensibilities."

"It's really too bad because I've always been a big supporter of the show, but I cannot compromise my beliefs." Yeah, bummer for you they already have a format for this program.

In an earlier statement to the news Web site TMZ.com, which broke the news, Manilow said Hasselbeck was "dangerous" and "offensive."

But a source close to "The View" said "we canceled him," because producers refused to comply with Manilow's "completely disrespectful" demands.

The source told Reuters that Manilow had appeared on the show twice in the past year when Hasselbeck was present, and had been booked for Tuesday's appearance since July. The source could not think of a similar incident with another guest happening in the past."

Since when has my Barry been a political figure? I kind of always thought that he was too busy writing the songs and standing on the edge of time to be an active citizen and all. I admit that he breaks my heart posturing on the wrong side of the aisle, and I'm not that kind of woman who "has to watch what the ladies are going to do" every morning on the View ... but I think it's pretty ridiculous to cancel a national spot simply because you don't like the views of one of the hosts. I mean, did his PR rep not tell him that the show is called "The View"? Did this rep also forget to mention what a sissy he would look like if he canceled? I just don't get it.

"Manilow has been a generous contributor to Democratic Party candidates, according to data compiled by the Federal Election Commission.

This year, he contributed the maximum-allowable $2,300 each to the presidential campaigns of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, and John Edwards, as well as to Ron Paul, a maverick Texas Republican."

Ron Paul drives me insane.

He has also been a big supporter over the years of U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer, a California lawmaker on the left wing of the Democratic Party.

Barry, come on! Barbara Boxer?!?! Uuuuuhhhhh ... this is worse than Hilary. But not as bad as Nancy Pelosi. If this article had mentioned Nancy, I might have had to give up my official Fanilow status. *Phew* Close call!

As it stands, though, I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

excerpt

Sometimes when our merciful God

Chooses to love us in ungentle ways

We scream and resist

But His infinite mercies,

Renewed every morning,

Are what heal our soul

Oh dear one! you have been His mercy to me

But oh! so severe!

Even this wounding is part of His healing

Love’s dangerous work makes us beautiful indeed

What's in a name?

(excerpted from "What is Man?" by Bishop Kallistos Ware, AGAIN Magazine, Vol. 27 No. 2, Summer 2005)

In the beginning of the era of modern philosophy in the early seventeenth century, the philosopher Descartes put forward his famous dictum, "Cogito ergo sum"—"I think therefore I am." And following that model, a great deal of discussion of human personhood since then has centered round the notion of self-awareness, self-consciousness. But the difficulty of that model is that it doesn’t bring in the element of relationship. So instead of saying "Cogito ergo sum—I think therefore I am," ought we not as Christians who believe in the Trinity to say, "Amo ergo sum"—"I love therefore I am"? And still more, ought we not to say, "Amor ergo sum"—"I am loved therefore I am"?

One modern poem that I love particularly, by the English poet Kathleen Raine, has exactly as its title "Amo Ergo Sum." Let me quote some words from it:

Because I love

The sun pours out its rays of living gold

Pours out its gold and silver on the sea.


Because I love

The ferns grow green, and green the grass, and green

The transparent sunlit trees.


Because I love

All night the river flows into my sleep,

Ten thousand living things are sleeping in my arms,

And sleeping wake, and flowing are at rest.


This is the key to personhood according to the Trinitarian image. Not isolated self-awareness, but relationship in mutual love. In the words of the great Romanian theologian Fr. Dumitru Staniloae, "In so far as I am not loved, I am unintelligible to myself."

If, then, we think of the divine image, we should not only think of the vertical dimension of our being the image of God; we should also think of the Trinitarian implication, which means that the image has a horizontal dimension—relationship with my fellow humans. Perhaps the best definition of the human animal is "a creature capable of mutual love after the image of God the Holy Trinity." So here is the essence of our personhood: co-inherence; dwelling in others.

What is said by Christ in His prayer to the Father at the Last Supper is surely very significant for our understanding of personhood: "That they all may be one, as you, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us" (John17:21). Exactly. The mutual love of the three Divine Persons is seen as the model for our human personhood. This is vital for our salvation. We are here on earth to reproduce within time the love that passes in eternity between Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit.

Then I woke up

We were on the beach, and the water was beyond beautiful. Clear, turquoise, like a jewel swelling then receding from the white powder sand. We commented on how perfect and beautiful it was, and just watched the tide for awhile. We went back inside to the dining room, sunny and warm as the beach outside. We went about our work and all was well.

Then I was on a train - a freight train - and it was going at a breakneck speed. I was not alone - the kids were with me - but I didn't know how we got on, and I didn't want to be on, and I knew as we approached a rising right turn that there was no turning back. We would have to ride the train around to wherever it was going.

My phone rang. I looked down to see that it was the one person I knew would never call me again. I almost didn't want to talk to her. I answered the phone and I heard her say it was time, but the wind from the train was rushing in my ear and I pretended I couldn't hear her. So I said, "Hello? Who is this?" (though I knew who it was). And she didn't answer. And I hung up.

The train arrived.

I was back in the dining room but it was dark and the mood dank. There were fewer tables, the chairs were brown metal, and the carpet was grey with dirt and worn. There were cigarette ashes on the floor and an ash tray. I saw him wiping down a table like he was trying to erase his life. He looked up at me and we didn't say anything to each other.

I called her back. I don't think I said anything, just listened. But it was awkward and I felt like someone else wanted this, not me.

Then I looked up and saw the water again. And I walked down some stairs, my son walking next to me, and I held his hand as we walked up to a desk where a familiar man was working. He was lean and long, his knees not under the desk. He was talking on the phone, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, but I knew he was expecting us and I leaned down to my son and told him to say hello. I didn't see the man's face but I could feel his smile as he continued to talk on the phone but acknowledged my boy. He and I didn't say a word but I lightly ran my hand on his side as a greeting and could feel his skin which felt like home.

O Nathan, where art thou?

27-3 But God was not at all pleased with what David had done, and sent Nathan to David. Nathan said to him, "There were two men in the same city—one rich, the other poor. The rich man had huge flocks of sheep, herds of cattle. The poor man had nothing but one little female lamb, which he had bought and raised. It grew up with him and his children as a member of the family. It ate off his plate and drank from his cup and slept on his bed. It was like a daughter to him.

4 "One day a traveler dropped in on the rich man. He was too stingy to take an animal from his own herds or flocks to make a meal for his visitor, so he took the poor man's lamb and prepared a meal to set before his guest."

5-6 David exploded in anger. "As surely as God lives," he said to Nathan, "the man who did this ought to be lynched! He must repay for the lamb four times over for his crime and his stinginess!"

7-12 "You're the man!" said Nathan. "And here's what God, the God of Israel, has to say to you: I made you king over Israel. I freed you from the fist of Saul. I gave you your master's daughter and other wives to have and to hold. I gave you both Israel and Judah. And if that hadn't been enough, I'd have gladly thrown in much more. So why have you treated the word of God with brazen contempt, doing this great evil? You murdered Uriah the Hittite, then took his wife as your wife. Worse, you killed him with an Ammonite sword! And now, because you treated God with such contempt and took Uriah the Hittite's wife as your wife, killing and murder will continually plague your family. This is God speaking, remember! I'll make trouble for you out of your own family. I'll take your wives from right out in front of you. I'll give them to some neighbor, and he'll go to bed with them openly. You did your deed in secret; I'm doing mine with the whole country watching!"

13-14 Then David confessed to Nathan, "I've sinned against God."

She's the kind of girl you'd adore, that you could make your famous cheese sandwich for

While 12 million of you are standing in line at Barnes and Noble tonight, I am home enjoying a quiet evening with a counter of dirty dishes and lots o' laundry. Now that the whole Harry Potter thing is drawing to a close, I still don't feel like I missed anything. I guess I just wasn't interested. My brother Bleys couldn't even get me to read them, and he can get me to do pretty much whatever he asks me to do. Like eating those damned Harry Potter jelly beans. Oh, but I won't drink PBR. Not for anything, no way, no how.

Anyway, before I get efficient, I thought I would wax a bit on the recent Emmy nominations.

Don't worry, you haven't accidentally tripped upon Tom O'Neil's blog. I am not going to rage against TPTB for ignoring Friday Night Lights or The Wire (neither of which I watch, so maybe I am the ideal voter for these awards). ["which I watch"? what?!] No, I am going to say how GEEKED OUT I am about the nominations for The Office!

I. Love. That. Show.

Nominations for Most Outstanding Comedy and Lead Actor (my Steve) were no surprise, but big congrats to Rainn Wilson, who we have loved and been creeped out by since Six Feet Under, and kudos to Greg Daniels and Michael Schur for their writing nods and Ken Kwapis for his directing nod. (I think there are others. I'm not a complete geek about this.)

My most happiest congrats, however, go to Jenna Fischer, whom I love love love and desperately wish was my friend in real life. There, I said it. I devour all things Jenna in the media, I frequent her page on the Space, even though I have no page of my own, and if I ever came upon a magic lamp with a genie, my wishes would be that the genie would start talking to me like Robin Williams, that like Little Cindy LooHoo I could ask George Dubya: "But why, Mr. President, why?", and that I could have a whole afternoon of shopping with Jenna Fischer. (Which is not a waste of a wish, though some Live Earth performers might argue that it is.)

I don't like to freak out about celebrities. It's embarrassing. But if I met her, I would probably embarrass myself. I think she is fabulous. I seriously want to be friends with her.

Anyway, this has to be a dream come true for her, and I am all for dreams that come true, especially when you work hard for your dream. I will so be on the edge of my seat for her on September 16.

Here's a link to the best of the bazillion Jim and Pam virals on YouTube. You won't get but a taste of her talent and total commitment to her character, but you will get a taste of how infectious she is and how well she works with all that chemistry between her and John Krasinski. But be careful because the song is so catchy that it'll stick in your head for the rest of the day. And if those last 5 seconds don't melt your heart, then you have a heart of stone like Bobblehead Joe. (I love that: Bobblehead Joe.)

I wanna be a cowboy, baby

So today Anna and I are at the grocery store.

At the checkout, I am paying and attending to the bagging, when my almost 4 year old exclaims, "Mom! Look! There's a cowboy!"

We live in the tri-state area. It's uncommon but not unusual to see a man with boots and a Stetson. I mumble how nice dear and she continues her praising observation. Loudly.

"It's a cowboy, Mom! With cowboy boys! I want to be a cowboy!"

Out of instinct, I look up to see the object of my daughter's excitement when the Amish man and his two Amish sons, straw work hats and suspenders all, walk across our path. The man and I caught each other's eye for the split second when I realized that I wanted to die.

"Anna! Honey!" I shush her as I get down to her level. "We are in public. Please use your inside voice."

"Okay, Mommy," she whispers, "but I want to be a cowboy too."

Field of Dreams

I was just shopping for my wedding dress.

Not my wedding dress. My dress for my sister's wedding. The one I love is sooooo beautiful. If I actually bring myself to shell out that much money for a dress I will surely only wear once, I will post it here.

I want to get it so that I can be beautiful in it.

I just remembered recently that my mom once told me that she thinks that I see myself in a white flowy dress, spinning in a field of daisies on a bright spring day. This dress brings out that part of me.

I do kind of picture myself there, only because I want to be that carefree and that beautiful, and not because I think that I am.

I love beautiful.

My sister is beautiful. My daughter is beautiful. The campus at Judson College is beautiful. Water is beautiful. Colorado is beautiful. My first car was beautiful. (My Hyundai? The Hindu?! Oh, so beautiful. Come on people.) Ireland is beautiful. Horses are beautiful. Jenna Fischer is beautiful.

My Swarovski ballerina. Sarah MacLachlan (music and woman). Fire. Angels. My son. The sound of laughter. The Psalms. My friends. ee cummings. The Prophet. Ellen is beautiful. The Jesus Prayer. Lambchop. Audrey Hepburn. Cary Grant. Cory Booker is beautiful.

Hilary Clinton is ... not beautiful.

The sun, the moon. Diamonds, emeralds, pearls. Traveling Mercies. Over The Rhine. C.S. Lewis. Dolphins. Anna's imagination. Noah's smile. My little family. My little family is so beautiful.

This is the kind of field I like to spin around in. Around and around, from one field to the next. That's why I write.

Take a moment to spin around in your beautiful.

Last night I dreamed about John Krasinski

Ode to Kelley German (Revisited)

The left shift key on my laptop's keyboard is broken.

I've looked it over several times, and I can see how it should just slip in and snap back on. I've worked with it quite awhile now, but it doesn't seem to want to go back in. I can't figure out why, exactly; I see how it goes in there, but still, it sits haphazardly on top of its assigned place. My pinky is always surprised to find the key sliding around; it shouldn't be out of place.

Josh is singing quietly, strongly, as I reach for this keyboard. I knew I wanted to try to write something today (Saturday, 7-07-07). What do I blog about on 7-07-07, the day that even the most C&E blogger will weigh in on this mathematically alliterative date. Maybe a small missive on how lucky/blessed I am? A memoir of my one night in Vegas? It was all kind of pointless. I'm such a hack that I couldn't stand myself, and the day got away.

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

It struck me, suddenly, as I went about my routine of chasing a naked three year old and rocking a teething eight month old, that the number 7 is the number of completion. It is a holy number, signifying fullness, doneness. Completion. And suddenly I felt so very incomplete.

Last night I got an email from an old friend that has been haunting me. It was a short email of generous sentiment that, I'm realizing, really means alot to me. This is a friend I had lost but found a couple of years ago on the internet. I couldn't explain to you why exactly, but he is important to me and I want to keep him.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

And he isn't the only one. I reconnected with another dear friend at the same time who I now count among my inner circle. She is a singular joy to me and I understand her in a special way. I missed her when I didn't have her. Another member of the circle almost got away five years ago. I couldn't bear to lose her, so I threw a rope out and gratefully, she took it. Recently I have struggled to keep another one who is so dear to me, and it has taken letters, tears, redefinition, and time. And somehow, it still feels like I need to reclaim something in her soul that I long to connect with. We are okay with each other, and yet, I feel like I miss her so much.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world

Then there is Kelley.

Kelley, my dear Kelley. I have thought of you, searched for you, and prayed for you for nearly eight years now. Kelley German, my dear friend. A fun and true mate for my soul. I don't know what I did, but I have been desperate to apologize to you for so long. You disappeared at the most important time for both of us, and I just want to know that you are okay. I pray that you are well, that your life is peaceful and content, and you know I'm here, if you ever Google your name.

Because I can't stand to lose anyone that I love. Death is not a loss when one is in Christ, but absence is a loss for me that I can't understand or accept. I don't know why we can't keep the ones we love. No existential explanation of ebb and flow is good enough. The most essential reason for existing is to love and be loved, to not only be connected to our Creator but also to all He created. All of my life I have struggled to stay connected and somehow, it always feels like my shift key is out of place. Something is never quite right and I get interrupted and it is not okay because I know how to fix it or at least I think I know how to fix it so I try but it just doesn't heal. Pieces are broken. My heart is always surprised; it shouldn't be out of place.

Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes
It's in front of your eyes

The story of Jonathan's love for his friend David in the Old Testament resonates with me. Jonathan loved his friend and gave his love freely. He committed his whole life and abdicated his right to the throne for a man that he felt an enduring connection with. This friendship was tested in every way a relationship can be: tested by power, by family, by conflict, by lies, by distance, and finally, by absence. But Jonathan loved David as he loved himself and so he kept the covenant that he made to him until his death.

I understand that kind of love. It is the kind of love I have for my husband, for my children, for my parents and for my family and dear friends. Some of this love has been very tested, but I stand firm in my commitment. Tonight I am moved by the love I have for old friends, and how that love and the power of connection truly fills my life. So Kelley, please, don't stay away forever. I want you in my life, and I will find you. Consider this fair warning and know that you are not the only one to whom I plan to show up one day.

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

New and Improved

Legitimacy, thy name is Blogger.com.

Friendster is so last week, folks. I had to get out of there! Plus now I don't have to worry about the ridiculous emails going out every time I post. I really didn't like that. Now I can introspectively gaze at my own navel in the cool and quiet confines of a larger and less secure website. This way I can continue my self-delusion that my ego trip is worth riding.

That being said, thanks to all nine of you for riding it with me. God love ya.