The left shift key on my laptop's keyboard is broken.
I've looked it over several times, and I can see how it should just slip in and snap back on. I've worked with it quite awhile now, but it doesn't seem to want to go back in. I can't figure out why, exactly; I see how it goes in there, but still, it sits haphazardly on top of its assigned place. My pinky is always surprised to find the key sliding around; it shouldn't be out of place.
Josh is singing quietly, strongly, as I reach for this keyboard. I knew I wanted to try to write something today (Saturday,
Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life
It struck me, suddenly, as I went about my routine of chasing a naked three year old and rocking a teething eight month old, that the number 7 is the number of completion. It is a holy number, signifying fullness, doneness. Completion. And suddenly I felt so very incomplete.
Last night I got an email from an old friend that has been haunting me. It was a short email of generous sentiment that, I'm realizing, really means alot to me. This is a friend I had lost but found a couple of years ago on the internet. I couldn't explain to you why exactly, but he is important to me and I want to keep him.
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day
And he isn't the only one. I reconnected with another dear friend at the same time who I now count among my inner circle. She is a singular joy to me and I understand her in a special way. I missed her when I didn't have her. Another member of the circle almost got away five years ago. I couldn't bear to lose her, so I threw a rope out and gratefully, she took it. Recently I have struggled to keep another one who is so dear to me, and it has taken letters, tears, redefinition, and time. And somehow, it still feels like I need to reclaim something in her soul that I long to connect with. We are okay with each other, and yet, I feel like I miss her so much.
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world
Then there is Kelley.
Kelley, my dear Kelley. I have thought of you, searched for you, and prayed for you for nearly eight years now. Kelley German, my dear friend. A fun and true mate for my soul. I don't know what I did, but I have been desperate to apologize to you for so long. You disappeared at the most important time for both of us, and I just want to know that you are okay. I pray that you are well, that your life is peaceful and content, and you know I'm here, if you ever Google your name.
Because I can't stand to lose anyone that I love. Death is not a loss when one is in Christ, but absence is a loss for me that I can't understand or accept. I don't know why we can't keep the ones we love. No existential explanation of ebb and flow is good enough. The most essential reason for existing is to love and be loved, to not only be connected to our Creator but also to all He created. All of my life I have struggled to stay connected and somehow, it always feels like my shift key is out of place. Something is never quite right and I get interrupted and it is not okay because I know how to fix it or at least I think I know how to fix it so I try but it just doesn't heal. Pieces are broken. My heart is always surprised; it shouldn't be out of place.
Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes
It's in front of your eyes
The story of Jonathan's love for his friend David in the Old Testament resonates with me. Jonathan loved his friend and gave his love freely. He committed his whole life and abdicated his right to the throne for a man that he felt an enduring connection with. This friendship was tested in every way a relationship can be: tested by power, by family, by conflict, by lies, by distance, and finally, by absence. But Jonathan loved David as he loved himself and so he kept the covenant that he made to him until his death.
I understand that kind of love. It is the kind of love I have for my husband, for my children, for my parents and for my family and dear friends. Some of this love has been very tested, but I stand firm in my commitment. Tonight I am moved by the love I have for old friends, and how that love and the power of connection truly fills my life. So Kelley, please, don't stay away forever. I want you in my life, and I will find you. Consider this fair warning and know that you are not the only one to whom I plan to show up one day.
And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day
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